Rescriere-rewrite
As vrea sa incep „scrisoarea” mea catre voi, prin a-mi cere scuze si nu oricum. As vrea sa fac acea plecaciune adanca, pe care o faci mai degraba intr-o rugaciune disperata, pentru a-mi cere iertare de la voi, cei care ati crezut in sclipirile mele de geniu, care nu si-au facut inca prezenta. Am „tacut” mult timp, iar asta ma doare si pe mine. As fi vrut sa va povestesc atat de multe lucruri, sa va spun pe unde am colindat si cu cine m-am mai intalnit... ei bine, chiar am fost plecata mult timp. Nu aceasta este scuza pe care o lansez ca sa scap de explicatii, nici nu ma lamentez in astfel de obiceiuri, din contra, voi argumenta, intr-un fel sau altul, fiecare traire, fiecare secunda in care am murit pentru altii si am inviat pentru mine.
Spuneam ca am fost departe,... o, si cat de departe!... am zburat trei ore, pana la „desertul disperarii”. Nu mi-am imaginat niciodata, ca soarele rasare acolo unde nu credeai ca va rasarii vreodata si nu mi-am dorit niciodata mai mult ca atunci, ca noaptea sa nu aiba sfarsit.
Am plecat din Romania cu gustul amar al ratacirii eterne, in cautarea a ceva ce nici noi nu ne dam seama, dar o numim „vacanta” doar asa, de fita, fara sa intelegem ca ne trimite in lumi din care s-ar putea sa nu mai vrem sa plecam. La zborul de pe Otopeni, nu vreau sa fac prea multe referiri, dar voi afirma cu tot sufletul, ca mi-as fi dorit sa zbor cu Taromul. Daca vreti sa stiti de ce, incercati sa faceti comparatii bazate pe certitudini si veti intelege cu siguranta.
Am plecat asadar, spre destinatia Hurgada-Egipt, lasand in urma tot ce nu mi-am dorit sa duc cu mine. In primul rand, gandul nebunesc ca am gresit si platesc pentru fiecare secunda in care am sperat ceva ce s-a dovedit a fi un mare pacat, am lasat in urma o patima cruda pe care am numit-o candva IUBIRE, am vrut sa uit tradarea si ignoranta ei, si nu in ultimul rand, am vrut sa scap, fie si pentru un timp, de sclavia despre care nu vreau sa va vorbesc. Simteam in fiecare zi, cum o farama din mine trece bariera nefiintei, cum spiritul acela, candva de neinfrant, vesel si plin de viata, se stinge incet, dar sigur, pentru ca in negura pe care o starbateam nu mai zaream nici o sclipire, nici un fascicul de lumina. Uitasem cum e sa tresari, sa plutesti, sa iubesti...
Nu am cautat nici un paradis laudat de altii, nici capatul pamantului. Am sperat in schimb, sa gasesc o oaza de liniste, in care sa ma intalnesc „eu” cu „mine” si sa stam putin de vorba. Ce am cautat, am si gasit de fapt, pentru ca m-am trezit in inima desertului, departe de lume si civilizatie, chiar daca „lumea” era pretutindeni in jurul meu. In prima zi, am cercetat locul, fara pretentia de a-l intelege, am stat in razele soarelui si m-am bucurat de un masaj tipic arabesc. De ce spun tipic arabesc, pentru ca ei traiesc in spiritul perfectiunii si tot ceea ce fac e foarte bine gandit. Lumea araba nu e nici pe departe ceea ce stim sau ne imaginam noi.
Voi incerca sa va arat si voua, o mica parte din coltul de rai in care am fost, iar pentru a exemplifica nuanta fiecarui cuvant in imagini, o voi folosi ca si ghid pe micuta Dara-Antonia, copila mea. Fac acest lucru dintr-un motiv foarte simplu. Am fost doar noi doua, fara Ovidelul, care amorezat fiind si pregatit de o viitoare viata de ex-burlac, are indeletniciri casnice si pline de intentii nobile.
Revenind la subiectul pe care vi l-am propus, vreau sa va asigur ca nu veti vedea decat o infima parte din ceea ce ati putea trai acolo, in lumea aceea aparte, pe care o simti mai mult cu sufletul decat cu privirea si o intelegi mult mai bine daca devi un intreg cu ea, iubind-o si respectand-o ca pe o iubita alaturi de care vrei sa traiesti pana la capatul zilelor tale.

MACTUB !

Nu vreau sa folosesc cuvinte citite la altii, mult mai destepti decat mine, pentru a va descrie ce am simtit eu cand am atins cu varful sufletului meu aceasta lume. De fapt, mirarea mea vine din lucruri marunte, si din nedumerirea prin care Dumezeu, sau Allah, au reusit printr-un calcul matematic pe care eu nu l-am inteles nici pana azi, sa transforme o viata intr-o secunda, sa schimbe lumi si vremurile, oamenii si sentimentele, dupa bunul lor plac, sau, cine stie, daca nu cumva, dupa cum ne-am dorit chiar noi.
Plecarea mea spre Egipt a insemnat evadare, regasire, pace si totodata mult zbucium, contradictiile intregului „eu” s-au impletit aproape perfect in tot atata timp de cat a avut nevoie Creatorul sa se implice in alcatuirea lumii. Deznadejdea ultimilor ani din viata mea, efortul de a fi eu insami intr-o lume in care minciuna si disimularea e la mare moda, fermitatea cu care mi-am propus sa dobor bariera dintre mine si ceea ce credeam ca pot fi, indarjirea de a nu ma implica emotional in ceea ce banuiam eu ca mai poate societatea si viata sa-mi ofere, s-au spulberat in cateva fractiuni de secunda. Si asta, crdeti-ma, e o mare MINUNE!
Am vorbit destul de des in emisiunile mele despre DESTIN si de cele mai multe ori, invitatii mei au spus „cred in destin”. Cred in destin si cred in bunul Dumnezeu, mai presus de orice... Nu reusesc sa inteleg pe de-a-ntregul tabloul acestui destin, in care ma incapatanez sa cred cu toata convingerea mea.
Nu stiu daca exista in viata nostra acele „parti intunecate” sau acele „pacate” despre care reusim sa vorbim doar pe la colturi. Cand stim sa fim buni, nu avem nevoie de perdele sau de camuflaje pentru a ne justifica.
Din nefericire nici nu putem vorbi deschis despre lucruri pe care le rostim in mare taina intre noi si Cel de Sus, o taina aparte, uneori plina de teama si de remuscari. De aceea nu pot spune nici eu lucrurilor pe nume. Va voi lasa pe voi, cei care puteti intelege si fara cuvinte o inima albastra, sa ganditi, sa simtiti, sa intelegeti...
Mi-am dorit sa gasesc acea liniste, acel alb, acel”tot” care sa ma implineasca in primul rand ca om. La un moment dat am facut o grseala de judecata, sau poate tocmai aceasta greseala a venit din incertitudine, din lipsa de siguranta si din lasitate. Aparent am inteles, sau cel putin m-am amagit, crezand ca inteleg si ca voi gasi resurse de rabdare pentru a se pune totul pe un fagas normal. In disperarea mea si constientizand ca nimic nu se schimba peste noapte, am aprins fitilul unui explozibil care in final m-a spulberat si pe mine.
Poate ca am gresit eu, poate greseala nu-mi apartine in totalitate...voi afla intr-un tarziu, sunt sigura. Dar nu-mi va folosi la nimic! Ceea ce stiu cu siguranta, este ca am pierdut amandoi...ne-am pierdut... si nu vom sti niciodata cum ar fi fost daca eram mai puternici, mai hotarati, mai rabdatori.
Voi avea mereu doar cuvinte frumoase despre un pas din viata mea pe care nu-l regret, nu-l neg si nu-l las nimanui. Il voi duce cu mine! Imi pare insa rau ca am renuntat prea usor. M-am lasat prada unor dezamagiri pe care in subconstientul meu, consideram ca nu le merit. Si nu le-am meritat! Dar n-am stiut sa fiu un bun manager al dezamagirilor. Si-mi pare rau pentru aceasta resemnare... nu-mi sta in fire si ma afunda in dezamagire. Am ales in final tacerea. Am decis in defavoarea mea si asta doare. Poate ca doare mai putin in jurul meu si asta e o mare consolare, dar in interior imi seaca orice urma de suflare.
IMI PARE RAU!
Ma veti intreba, poate, cu ce am ramas? Ei bine, am totul, desi mi-a ramas enorm de putin. Am renuntat la mine, la vulcanul care ma punea in miscare, am renuntat la munca pe care o faceam cu mare drag, plecand, pentru a fi depare de toata lumea. M-am afudat in tacere si in grseala de a nu fi EU!
Pasiunile ne fac puternici. Ne dau o forta inegalabila si inexplicabila, facandu-ne sa credem ca in virtutea lor putem muta muntii din loc. Eu ard in aceste flacari cu toata nebunia de care da dovada orice pasiune mai mult sau mai putin interzisa, mai mult sau mai putin gresita. Tocmai aceasta flacara s-a stins pentru mine si nu va marturisesc asta din dorinta de a va atrage compasiunea, ci ma destainui voua cu o convingere fara urma de tagada, ca veti gasi in inimile voastre suficienta rabdare pentru a depasi impreuna acest moment. De aceea nu v-am scris, de aceea am preferat sa tac...
Toate aceste cuvinte pe care le-am asternut pentru voi, pentru cei care va-ngrijorat absenta mea si mi-ati cerut sa scriu orice, doar sa scriu, am sa va mai impartasesc ceva ce intregeste tot ce am spus pana acum. De fiecare data (si nu de putine ori!!!), cand viata a lovit in mine cu biciuri de diferite marimi, m-am intors de unde plecasem si ultima data. Din imbratisarea divina a Maicii lui Isus. Acolo mi-am asternut eu sufletul cu toate durerile din el, acolo mi-am sters lacrima, pentru ca o lume-ntrega sa ma creada fericita. Nu am renuntat niciodata la gandul ca ingerul meu pazitor se roaga necontenit pentru mine, ca sunt o particica mica din sufletul lui Dumnezeu, iar Maica Fecioara stie sa ma primeasca la picioarele ei, si cand mi-e bine si cand ma ingenunchiaza viata. De ce va spun toate acestea? Pentru ca nu numai eu sunt o parte din sufletul Lui, ci si voi. Iar unii dintre cei care-mi citesc aceste cuvinte au, uneori, mai multa nevoie de El, decat am avut eu vreodata. Traind mereu cu speranta ca nu ne va lasa la infinit ingenunchiati si ne va sterge lacrimile asternute pe obrazul nostru, sau al celui ce-l iubim, pe o foaie de hartie in care am vrea sa asternem cateva cuvinte cuiva, sau pe asternutul cald in care ne afundam noapte de noapte, veti vedea ca acea speranta sclipeste undeva, la un capat de tunel, pentru fiecare.
Aceasta a fost starea mea de spirit cand am pornit spre alte lumi. Chiar si dorinta mea de hoinareala era estompata de gandul ca nu-mi voi gasi linistea, ca realitatea doboara orice urma de fictiune. La plecare am avut chiar sentimentul ca acolo, departe, o voi intalni pe Floriana Jucan, cea care mi-a dat, intr-un fel, puterea de a invinge, oricare ar fi reduta. O iubesc pe Floriana si nu-mi este rusine sa o recunosc, pentru ca imi plac femeile puternice, care gasesc mereu solutia de a conduce barbatii, pentru ca, spune Floriana,”barbatii conduc lumea”!
Nu am intalnit-o acolo, pentru ca era, cu siguranta, in lumea ei, a celui pe care-l iubeste si a unor vise de care si ei ii este teama uneori sa se atinga. I-am intalnit in schimb spiritul viu si adevarul sau creativ din care nu de putine ori m-am inspirat.
Egiptul ma trimis in timp si m-a ajutat sa-l inteleg pe Eliade cand,cum si de ce a scris Maitreyi. Am simtit in clipe de mii de ori mai efemere ca pe pamant, zbuciumul si trairile sale interzise, dar atat de minunate!... am trait rugaciunea lui spre nesfarsire, taina si misterul unei iubiri ce nu poate avea sfarsit. Nu vreau sa credeti cuvintele mele. Uneori, sau de cele mai multe ori, sunt exagerari voite, impinse la extrem, tocmai de dragul fictiunii si a unor momente pe care mi-as dori sa le traiti in timpul lecturii. Cei inzestrati cu darul scrisului, spiritele inalte, oamenii de geniu, sunt in general, oameni usor anormali, vesnic nemultumiti, insingurati, alergand de cele mai multe ori catre Dumnezeu, pentru ca este singurul drum pe care-l stiu. Pentru ca am amintit de Floriana, va dau si un citat din catifelata ei graire:”Oamenii speciali au nevoie de provocari infinite, au nevoie de iubiri imposibile, de parteneri pe care nu-i vor avea vreodata, pentru ca acestia sunt oamenii carora le place mai mult lupta decat victoria.”
N-am sa va vorbesc despre victorii, pentru ca insangerarea lor doare mai tare decat constientizarea vreunui pacat. De fapt, eu nu cred in „pacat”! Pentru mine nuanta lui are alte conotatii decat cele uzuale, iar asta a deranjat de foarte multe ori, haite intregi de minti odihnite. Faptul ca ai un barbat alaturi nu iti garanteaza aripile cu care sa zbori peste lume, la fel cum absenta lui nu inseamna, obligatoriu, nefericirea. Nefericirea vine din neputinta noastra de a reusi sa ne transformam visele in realitate. Fie ele si vise cu „Feti-Frumosi”. Dar ce poate fi mai nobil, pana la urma, decat doi ochi frumosi trecuti in ireal si mintea zburdand libera, fara ca cineva sa poata sti unde?... cine ne poate sterge visele de pe frunte?...
Visul unei inimi date altcuiva, este intr-adevar ucigator de dureros, pentru ca nu ai voie sa-l transformi in realitate, ci va ramane de-a pururi pastrat in intunericul firii noastre, al inimii, al mintii, al eternitatii. Nu-mi ridic niciodata inima din aceste lanturi. Imi place stransoarea lor si-mi este greu, uneori sa departajez visul de realitate. Invat sa condamn secundele ce se scurg in clepsidre...
Sunt chipuri umane care vrand-nevrand, te fac sa vibrezi, iar eu am gasit in desertul, sau desertaciunea Egiptului, un demn urmas al vechilor faraoni, care m-a invatat ceva, pana la urma. M-a facut sa inteleg ca „desertul pate fi frumos daca ai Luna cu tine”. Doar ajungand acolo, si intalnind un astfel de om, veti intelege semnificatia fiecarui cuvant. Sunt cuvinte care au darul de a lasa rani vii in suflete plecate departe. Uneori se vindeca dimineata, cand renuntam la vise, alteori te patrund si se incapataneaza sa nu moara.
Le-as numi, intr-o forma improprie, pedepse ale sufletului. Uneori e gresit sa traiesti o asemenea multumire, sa atigi cu varful degetelor fericirea. Cu ce sunt unii dintre noi mai presus, pentru a primii si darui atata iubire, atata mister, atata taina?... cum de nu avem puterea, sa inchidem ochii uneori si sa-l rugam pe Dumnezeu sa faca o minune, sa ne duca in bratele cuiva, care ne-ar strivii daca ne-ar strange, ar lasa pe trupul nostru semnele setei de iubire, fara a avea puterea insa, de a opri timpul in loc, sau de a spune „imi e la fel de greu!” Dar si aceste pedepse sfarsesc odata cu noi, odata cu voluptatea de a mai putea iubi. Si atunci de ce am fugii de ele? Eu, cel putin, nu le-as da nimanui sa le ispaseasca. Am sa inchei aceasta scrisoare catre voi, cu speranta ca am sclipit si in sufletele voastre, cum m-am simtit sclipind pe cerul Egiptului, ca v-am spulberat setea de adevar, la fel cum sclipirea mea pe un cer cleopatric, a spulberat nisipul dintr-un desert indepartat, revarsandu-se in mare...
Nu stiu daca m-as intoarce in „valea regilor”. Ma tem ca nu cumva acest miraj sa se spulbere, sa descopar ca povestea aceasta e total ireala si sa-mi ranesc inima. Pana voi hotari care dintre variante m-ar putea face mai putin nefericita, va las pe voi sa savurati o poveste de vara, dintr-un tinut al marilor amintiri si al gesturilor fara insemnatate, iar daca aveti ceva de uitat, va recomand aceasta lume... il puteti numi, tinutul uitarii, al regasirii de sine, al iubirii.
Dintr-un colt al inimii mele, va trimit cu drag prin intermediul unor simple cuvinte, toata iubirea mea. Iar daca ma veti vedea zambind, va fi cu siguranta un zambet adevarat, pentru ca SUFLETUL MEU E LIBER!

Valentina Gheorghe-Melcea
Wonders are meant to the people who believe in wonders!
I would like to begin my „letter” to you by appologizing. I feel like doing it in a special way, by taking a deep bow, as I were during a prayer, a desperate prayer begging for forgiveness from you, who believed in my moments of a genius, that have not shown yet. I „kept silent” for a long while and this thing hurts me equally.
I would have liked to speak to you about so many things, to tell you about the places I wandered through and the people I met there. Well, I really was away for a long while, but this is not the excuse that I make in order to avoid explaining things. I don’t try to lament either, on the contrary, I am willing to give reasons for each of my feeling, for each second I died for some people, but I came to life again for myself. I told you that I flew far, far away…..how far away it was!....
I had flown for three hours until I reached „the desert of dispair”. I have never imagined that the sun rises in the very place where you have never thought it ever does and I have never wanted so badly, as I then did , the night to last forever.I left Romania feeling the bitter taste of the eternal wandering looking for something that we couldn’t exactly perceive, but that something is commonly called „holiday” for fun, without understanding that it sends us to some worlds that we will not be ever willing to leave. I do not intend to say too much about our departure from Otopeni airport, yet I dare say I would have liked very much to board a Tarom aircraft. If you happen to be curious why, take my advice and drow some conclusions based on facts and you will for sure understand my point.
Therefore we left for Hurghada-Egypt, leaving behind me everything I didn’t want to take with me. First of all was the crazy thought that I was wrong and I’ll have to pay for each second in which I hoped for something that turned out to be a sin. So, I left behind me a cruel passion that I used to call LOVE, I wanted to forget its betrayal and ignorance, then last but not least I wanted to freed myself for a short while from the bondage that I refuse to speak about. Day by day I could feel a bit of myself crossing the nonbeing border, I could feel the spirit once happy, lively and uncompromising slowly fading away into the darkness I was crossing, therefore unable to glimpse at least a ray of light. I had forgotten how it felt to wince, to float, to love..What I hoped for was neither the much coveted paradise, not the end of the world.
Instead I hoped to find an oasis of peace wher I coult meet myself and have a chat. Actually what I had looked for was exactly what I found, as I realised I was in the heart of the desert, far away from civilization even if there were people everywhere round me. The first day I looked cautiously around me and tried to understand the place, I was laying in the sun for a while and enjoyed a traditional Arabian massage. It was typical to the Arabiam world, because the Arabs do thoughtful things, they live in the spirit of perfection, their world is far from what we know about it or imagine it.I will do my best to show to you a small part of this heaven I visited; in order to better send the message across, I am going to use pictures and my little daughter, Dara-Antonia.
The fact is that we were there by ourselves, as Little Ovid , so much in love , missed the trip, because he was about to enter the world of the married people, a new life filled with noble intentions and household chores.Back to our topic; I assure you that you will only see a tiny part of what you can experience on the spot, in that different world that you can better perceive by soul, rather than by sight, a world that is better understood when you become inseparable part of it, loving and respecting it as you do to a lover you want to live with to the end of your life.
MACTUB!!!
I wanted to offer you connected to this fairyland country, where you can find almost everything you want: kings and queens that are still alive inthe memory of the people that will never forget them, famous love stories that were well-known all over the world and come to life again in new shapes ( they seem to have as their only purpose the desire to convince us about the strength of the love feelings wandering through times), landscapes seeming to come out of saint books, undesea worlds that man can not even imagine, until he discovers them, colours and breezes that kneel down in front of one single word: EGYPT!
I don’t want to use the words heard in wise people’s speeches, when describing what I felt when the top of my soul reached this world. Actually my astonishment comes from small things and my bewilderment about the way God, or Allah, managed owing to a mathematical formula that I have not understood until now, to change a life into a second, to change worlds and times, people and feelings, by whim, or maybe at our own will.My departure to Egypt meant escape, finding the own self, peace and, at the same time, much turmoil, the contradictions of the „ego” were blending for almost as long as God needed when getting involved in making the world. The heart-breaking of the last years in my life , the effort to be myself in a world where disimulation and lies are in fashion, my determination into breaking down the barrier between me and what I thought I could be, resistance in struggling in keeping my feelings out of what I life and society can still offer to me, they all shattered in just a few bits of a second. Believe me, this is a great WONDER !
Quite ofen, in my broadcasts on TV I spoke about FATE and most often my guests said „I do believe in fate”. I believe in fate and I mostly believe in Allmighty God, too. I can not entirely grasp the picture of this fate or destiny, which I stubbornly believe in, with all my conviction.I do not know if there are in our life the so-called „dark sides” or „sins” about which we are able to speak only with precaution. When we know how to make ourselves good people, we do not need curtains to hide behind and find explanations for our deeds.Unluckily we can’t either speak openly about the things we utter and about the great secret between us and God, a special secret , sometimes full of remorses and fear. That is why I can’t name things clearly and precisely.Therefore I will allow you, who do not need words in order to understand a blue heart, to think, feel and understand...
I wanted to find that peace, that white , that „whole” able to fulfill myself as a human being, first of all. I made a mistake in judgement at a certain moment, or maybe that mistake came from incertitude, from the lack of certainty and from cowardness. Apparently I understood , or al least I deceived myself, only thinking that I undestood and that I would be able to find the resources of patience necessary to set things on their normal way. In my disapair, also seeing that nothing can be changed in a short while, I lit the wick of the blast that finally blew me up, too.Maybe it is me who made mistakes, maybe the mistake does not belong totally to me...I’ll understand it later on, for sure.. But it will do no good to me! What I know for sure is that we both lost something... we lost ourselves...and I will never know how things could have been if we had been stronger, more determined, more patient.I will always have beautiful words about a step in my life that I don’t deny, don’t regret and don’t leave anyone. I will take it with me! What I am sorry about is that I gave up too easily. I was an easy pray to disappointments, that in my subconscience felt that I did not deserve. And I didn’t deserve them. I proved not to be a good manager of my disappointments. I am sorry for my resignation. It is not like me to get deep into disappointments. Finally I chose silence. I decided for myself and this hurts. Maybe this hurts less when it comes to the people around me and this is a big consolation, but deep in by insight it burns each of my breaths. I AM SORRY!
Maybe you will ask me what is left for me? Well, I have everything, even if it is extremely little. I gave myself up, that volcano that kept me going, I gave up the job that I liked to do, leaving in order to be far away from everybody. I went deep into silence as well as in the mistake of not being MYSELF ! Our passions make us stronger. They give us that tremendous and difficult to understand force , making us believe that it helps us to move mountains. I am that person that burns in such flames with all the madness given by a passion, be it forbidden or not, be it more or less mistaken. It is exactly that flame that does not burn any longer in me- I do not confess this in order to get you pity me, on the contrary, I make this confession undoubtedly believing that you will find enough patience in your hearts to help overcome this difficult moment.
That is why I haven’t written to you, I prefered to keep silent...All these words written to you, those who got worried about my absence, you who asked me to write anything, just to write, come along with something more that helps to make a whole out of everything I have written up to now. Every time, it did not happen rarely,when life wiped me with differently heavy blows I came back from the point where I left, from the Holly Mother’s embracing. It is at her feet where I laid down my soul with all its pain, there I wiped off my tears for people to believe me happy. I have never given up the thought that my guarding Angel is praying for me countinuously, that i am a particle from God’s soul and Mother Mary knows how to welcome me at her feet whether i feel well , or I feel bad when life defeats me. Why am I saying all these? Just because it is not only me , you are too, a part of His soul. Some of you, who happen to read my lines need Him more that I have ever needed. Living with the continuous hope that He will not allow us to stay forever down on our knees, that he will remove the tears running down our cheeks, or our beloved ones, and lay them on a sheet of paper on which we would like to write a few words addressed to someone, in the end you will realize that hope is flickering for everybody somewhere, at the end of a tunnel.This was my mood when I headed towards distant worlds. Even my desire of a wanderer fades at the thought that I will noy be able to find the much coveted peace, that reality beats any trace of fiction.
When leaving I had even the feeling that I might happen to meet Floriana Jucan, the woman who gave me, in a way, the strength to conquer, no matter what stronghold I could face. I love Floriana, I am not ashamed to admit it, because I like strong women, that can ever find a solution in order to lead men, as Floriana says”men lead the world”! I didn’t meet her there, because she was for sure in her world, the world of the person that she loves and in the world of some dreams which she herself fears to touch. I met instead her lively spirit and her creative truth, which often inspired me.
Egypt sent me back in time and helped me to understand Eliade, when, how and why he wrote Maitrey. I was able to feel in much more ephemerial moments than on this earth, his turmoil, his deep, forbidden, but wonderful feelings!..I could live his prayer towards endness,the sacrecy and mistery of a love that can not end. I do not intend you to believe in my words, sometimes, most of times they are well-intended exagerations, got to their extreme, just for the sake of fiction and of some moments that I would like you to feel while reading. The people endowed with the gift of writing, genii, are usually slightly abnormal people, forever discontent, lonely, most of the times running towards God, as this is the only way they know. As I mentioned Floriana, I mention a piece of advice from her soft speech: „ Special people need infinite challenges, they need impossible loves, they need the partners they will never have, because they are the people who enjoy fight, rather than victory”. I will not speak about victories, becouse their bloody sighth hurts me more that being aware of a sin. Actually I do not believe in „sin”! I attribute to it other connotations than the ordinary ones, and this disturbed many times the packs of restful minds. Having a man by your side does not guarante the wings that help you fly above the world, as well as his absence does not necessarily mean unhappiness. Unhappiness comes from our uncapability of turning our dreams-be they „Prince Charming” dreams- into reality.Yet, after all, what can be more noble that a pair of beautiful eyes that entered unreal , or the mind running freely, with nobody knowing where to?...who can take our dream away from our forehead? The dream of a heart given to somebody else is really painful, because you you are not allowed to change it into reality, but it will forever remain well kept in the darkness of our being, our heart, mind and eternity. I never raise my heart from these chains, I like their tightness and sometimes it is difficult to me to separate the dream from reality. I learn how to blame the seconds flying in the sand clocks.
Thet are human faces that, willy-nilly make you vibrate, I found them in the desert ,or the vanity of Egypt, a worthy heir of pharoes, that after all taught me something. It made me understand that a desert can be beautiful if you have Moon with you. Only by going there and meeting such a man, can you understand the meaning of each word. There are words that can hurt deeply in the sould that have left far away. Sometimes they heal in the morningwhen we give up dreaming, someother times they are very persistent are won’t die.I would call them, in an improper way, punishments of a soul. Sometimes it is wrong to live such a content, to touch happiness with your fingers. How can be some of us superior to others, that they are given and give in their turn happiness, mistry, secrets?... how can’t we ask God to perform a wonder, to send us into somebody’s arms, who would hold us tight and would leave on our body the signs of his thirst for love, without being able to cause time stop, or to utter „ it is equally difficult to me”! But these punishments end with our ending, with our pleasure of loving. Therefore, why should we run away from them? As for myself, I would not give them to anyone to pay for. I shall end this letter to you in the hope that I managed to shine in your souls, the same way I felt myself shining in Egypt’s sky, that I have shattered your thirst for truth, the same way my shining in a Cleopatric sky shattered the sand in an unpaved faraway desert, flowing into the sea...I don’t know if I would like to go back to „the valley of the kings”.I fear this mirage could fade away, that I might find out that this story is totally unreal and it may hurt my heart. Until I am able to decide which of the versions will make me less unhappy, I’ leave you enjoy a summer’s story from a land of insignificant memories and gestures, and , if you have something to forget, I recommend you this world, you could call it the land of forgetfulness, of self-regaining, of love.From a corner of my heart I send you , by means of mere words, all my love. If you happen to see me smiling, it will be for sure a real smile, because MY SOUL IS FREE!

Traducere: Prof. Adriana Lupu

This entry was posted on vineri, 25 iulie 2008 at 00:53 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

4 comentarii

bun gasit, doamna minunata. mie mi-era dor de ce gaseam pe pagina asta. cum ii spuneam si denisei, eu am fost sfatuita sa am mesaje scurte pentru ca oamenii nu au rabdare sa citeasca. dar eu cred ca acest compromis nu este de folos nimanui. asa ca vreau sa ma alatur si eu celor care va iubesc si va apreciaza si sa va multumesc ca v-ati intors sa ne oferiti o bucatica din sufletul dvs. Elena

25 iulie 2008, 11:19

Multumesc doamnei Elena pentru aprecieri! Nu cred in mesaje scurte. Le consider superficiale si fara continut, esenta, etc. Cine doreste sa faca o lectura, o face. Cine nu, arunca o privire si se retrage. Oricum e bine. Si felicitari pentru initiativa de a scrie! Va-mbratisez cu mult drag!

25 iulie 2008, 12:15
ION Calan  

Am spus intr-o convorbire recenta ca eu am avantajul ca va cunosc.Permiteti sa retractez? Ma tem ca uneori reusiti sa va surprindeti chiar si pe dv. insiva.Eu am sa recitesc de cate ori va vi nevoie pt. a incerca sa inteleg legatura cu scrierile anterioare.Nu pot sa spun ca va iubesc pentru ca sunt barbat si s-ar intzelege altceva, dar recunosc ca a-ti reusit sa ma tulburati.Va doresc pace in suflet,deci echilibru,in rest se pare ca v-a dat Dumnezeu de toate ca sa reusiti orice v-ati propune.

25 iulie 2008, 14:03

uluitor, intr-adevar!

26 iulie 2008, 03:23

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